The Dirty Joke Thread

[voidecho]

First off, if you're easily offended, stop reading right now.



Second, if you're easily offended and reading this, you also don't listen to directions.



We'll need to get a moderator to weigh in on this, but please remember the forum rules too:

"No racist, homophobic, or misogynistic remarks, including derogatory slang, be it overt or covert, will be tolerated."

"No sexually explicit material, nudity, or graphic violence are to be posted. The rule of thumb is that if it's something you wouldn't see on network TV, don't post it. The forum strives to maintain a welcoming atmosphere for its members. Any attempts, overt or covert, to undermine this goal will not be tolerated."

"Do not start threads on religion or politics"


Crap, after reading the rules, I don't know if we can have any dirty jokes.

Anyways, the only other rule I'd say, is that if someone leaves a joke open ended, or awaiting a punchline, only respond with the punch line if you already knew it. Don't go looking it up on the internet just to act like you knew it. What fun is that.

 

[voidecho]

First one I heard on the radio driving into work today and really isn't that dirty.

What's the difference between a counterfeit dollar bill and Kate Moss?





































One's a phony buck.

 

[Smart_Family]

We'll give it a shot and see how it goes. Thanks for posting the rules though haha.

 

[voidecho]

As they say, it's better to ask forgiveness than permission. Let 'em rip!!

 

[raechiemay]

I don't know if this would qualify as your type of "dirty" voidecho

One night a man was out drinking at a bar when he wasn't supposed to. He ended up getting drunk & threw up all over himself. He asked the bartender "what do I do now? My wife is going to know I was drinking & she's gonna kill me!" The bartender said, "put a $10 bill in your shirt pocket, tell your wife that a drunk guy threw up on you & gave you $10 to get your shirt dry cleaned" the man thought to himself for a second & said "that's a great idea thanks!". He goes home & when he walks in the door he could tell his wife was mad, before she even said anything he said "now honey, let me explain. There was a drunk man walking across the parking lot at work & he threw up on my shirt & gave me $10 to get it cleaned" his wife took the shirt & pulled a $20 out of the pocket. Confused she asked, "then why is there $20 in the pocket?" The man said, "he shit in my pants too".

 

[Smart_Family]

Ewwwwww men are gross

 

[voidecho]

Ha, good one!

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She's like "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all of the sperm samples. The guy yells "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

 

[Smart_Family]

Hahahaha I'm going to show that to my husband.

 

[voidecho]

I'm sure Chuck has some he could add to the list.

 

[Smart_Family]

You just have to lure him in. Maybe we should retitle the thread to something about filas haha

 

[northernmastiff]

Here is a kid friendly one.

How can you tell Ronald McDonald apart from other bathers on a nude beach?











He's the one with the sesame seed buns.



Groan

 

[voidecho]

The Madam opened the brothel door to see a frail, elderly gentleman.. "Can I help you?" the madam asked. "I want Natalie," the old man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..." "No, I must see Natalie."

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left..

The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that There were no discounts...it was still $1,000 a visit. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and an hour later, he left.

When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?" The old man replied, "I'm from Philadelphia."

"Really?" replied Natalie. "I have family who lives there."

"Yes, I know," said the old man. "Your father died, and I'm your sister's attorney. She asked me to give this $3,000 to you."

 

[Smart_Family]

Hahahaha

 

[voidecho]

A man goes into a supermarket and buys a tube of toothpaste, a bottle of pepsi, a bag of chips and a frozen pizza.

The cute girl at the register looks at him and says, "Single, huh?"

Sarcastically, the guy sneers and says, "How'd you guess?"

She replies, "Because you're fucking ugly."

 

[raechiemay]

^^ lol!!! My stepdad got a kick out of that too

 

[cwayaustx]

Buddy of mine and I were putting a few back at the local watering hole a few weeks back when he looked at his watch and said he had to go. I asked him wtf it's only ten? He says "I don't know how you do it man. I cruise down the street with my lights off, coast in the drive with my engine dead, tiptoe in the house in the dark and crawl in bed without making a sound. Never fails she wakes up and the fight is on." I shake my head and reply, " my friend, you are going about it all wrong. I slide in the drive with radio blasting and stop in the grass, slam the door on my way in and turn every light in the house on. As I'm stumbling over shit dropping my britches I smack her on the ass and tell her, I'm home, I'm drunk, horny and hungry. Get ouuta that damn bed and make me a sandwich then come give me some tail!!" she never moves a muscle...

 

[voidecho]

It's funny cause it works!!!

 

[cwayaustx]

Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"
First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."
Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."
Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:
"Does a fart have lumps?"
The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!"
"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."

 

[AKBull]

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'guys.' I told my wife that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my wife would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with her. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, I told her 'MIDNIGHT'... she didn't seem p***d off in the least.......... Whew, I got away with that one!

Then she said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.' When I asked him why, she said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times then said 'oh sh*t.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

 

[raechiemay]

Lol!!! I totally expected that to come from you