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The Dirty Joke Thread

northernmastiff

northernmastiff

Well-Known Member
One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.​
"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."​
Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.​
"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies​
"Wow", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"




How are women and tornadoes alike?They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.





There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.






A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"







There was a papa mole, a mamma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!" Mamma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!" Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses."


​
 
C

cwayaustx

Banned
hahahaha molasses...

---------- Post added at 11:59 PM ---------- Previous post was at 11:58 PM ----------

The tornado joke is soooo jacked up..because its true...
 
C

cwayaustx

Banned
Marriage sex

THERE ARE THREE STAGES OF SEX AFTER MARRIAGE. THE FIRST STAGE IS THE "ANYWHERE" STAGE,
WHEN YOU'LL DO IT ANYWHERE- THE KITCHEN TABLE, THE SHOWER, ON TOP OF THE WASHING MACHINE
DURING THE SPIN CYCLE.
THE SECOND STAGE IS THE "BEDROOM" STAGE, WHEN YOU'LL ONLY DO IT IN THE BEDROOM WITH THE
LIGHTS TURNED OUT.
THE THIRD STAGE IS THE "HALLWAY" STAGE, WHEN YOU PASS EACH OTHER IN THE HALLWAY AND SAY "FU*K YOU!"
 
northernmastiff

northernmastiff

Well-Known Member
And don't forget the fourth stage of marriage sex:

When your wife and her lawyer fu*k you for every penny you've got in divorce court, in front of many people.
 
C

cwayaustx

Banned
A man asks his doctor, "Can I have sex with my pregnant wife?"
The doctor replies, "Yes, the first 3 months will be just like normal,
the next three months you should do it like a dog,
and the last three months you should do it like the tiger."
The man replies, "Tiger?"
The doctor explains, "Tiger Woods. Sleep with other women!"

---------- Post added at 11:16 AM ---------- Previous post was at 11:15 AM ----------
northernmastiff said:
And don't forget the fourth stage of marriage sex:

When your wife and her lawyer fu*k you for every penny you've got in divorce court, in front of many people.
Click to expand...

Exhibitionism.. forgot that one lol
 
C

cwayaustx

Banned
northernmastiff said:
And don't forget the fourth stage of marriage sex:

When your wife and her lawyer fu*k you for every penny you've got in divorce court, in front of many people.
Click to expand...

Exhibitionism.. forgot that one lol

---------- Post added at 11:17 AM ---------- Previous post was at 11:16 AM ----------

Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke
He asks the other guy if he has a lighter
He replies " Yes i do " and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter
Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?"
The guy replies " Oh I have a personal genie"
The first man asks "Can i make a wish? "
Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing"
 
C

cwayaustx

Banned
Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke
He asks the other guy if he has a lighter
He replies " Yes i do " and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter
Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?"
The guy replies " Oh I have a personal genie"
The first man asks "Can i make a wish? "
Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing"
 
voidecho

voidecho

Well-Known Member
A judge working a double murder case, tells the defendant, "you're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

"You Bastard!" yells a voice from the back of the courtroom.

"You're also charged with killing your mother-in-law with a hammer", continues the judge.

"Bastard!", the same person in the back yells.

The judge finally addresses the man yelling from the back of the courtroom saying, "Sir, one more outburst like that and I'll charge you with contempt."

"I'm sorry your honor," says the man. "I've been this bastard's neighbor for ten years, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."
 
Bloke

Bloke

Well-Known Member
a dirty joke thread sounded great, then i read the rules and that finished me using any dirty joke ive learned since the age of 16

voidecho said:
First off, if you're easily offended, stop reading right now.



Second, if you're easily offended and reading this, you also don't listen to directions.



We'll need to get a moderator to weigh in on this, but please remember the forum rules too:

"No racist, homophobic, or misogynistic remarks, including derogatory slang, be it overt or covert, will be tolerated."

"No sexually explicit material, nudity, or graphic violence are to be posted. The rule of thumb is that if it's something you wouldn't see on network TV, don't post it. The forum strives to maintain a welcoming atmosphere for its members. Any attempts, overt or covert, to undermine this goal will not be tolerated."

"Do not start threads on religion or politics"


Crap, after reading the rules, I don't know if we can have any dirty jokes. :(

Anyways, the only other rule I'd say, is that if someone leaves a joke open ended, or awaiting a punchline, only respond with the punch line if you already knew it. Don't go looking it up on the internet just to act like you knew it. What fun is that.
Click to expand...
 
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