The Dirty Joke Thread

[Bloke]

HAHA as you can see rules are made to be broken... joke on...

I've only been a member for a few days seems a shame to get banned so soon

 

[cwayaustx]

I've only been a member for a few days seems a shame to get banned so soon

I think anything except racial jokes and you're pretty safe...but yea that would suck...welcome aboard!!

 

[cwayaustx]

Q: Why do women have periods?
A: Because they deserve them.

Q: What is loud and obnoxious?
A: A woman.

Q: How do you blind a woman?
A: You put a windshield in front of her.

Q: Why is life like a penis?
A: Women make it hard!

Q: What book do women like the most?
A: "Their husbands checkbook!"

Q: What's the difference between a knife and a woman arguing?
A: a knife has a point.

Q: What have women and condoms got in common?
A: If they're not on your dick they're in your wallet.

Q: How is a woman like an airplane?
A: Both have cockpits.

Q: What takes up 12 parking spaces?
A: 6 Women drivers.

Q: Why do women like to have sex with the lights off?
A: They can't stand to see a man have a good time!

Q: What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild?
A: A $100 bill.

Q: How many male chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Let her do the dishes in the dark.


Q: What is the difference between your wife and your job?
A: After five years your job still sucks.

Q: Why did God create lesbians?
A: So feminists couldn't breed.
Q: Why did God give men penises?
A: So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.

Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: Because they don't have balls.

Q: What do you call a woman who loves small dicks?
A: Hopefully your girlfriend.

Q: What do you call a woman that has lost 95% of her intelligence?
A: Divorced.

Q. Why do women talk so much?
A. Because they have two sets of lips.

Q: What's the difference between your bonus and your dick?
You don't have to beg a woman to blow your bonus.

Q: Why is a female like a laxative?
They both irritate the shit out of you. Q. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
A. $4.99 a minute.

Q: What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for?
A: It's Braille for "suck here".

Q: Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A: He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.

Q: How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, feminists can't change anything.

Q: What do you call a woman who can't make sandwiches?
A: Single.

Q: Why did God invent the yeast infection?
A: So women know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt.

Q: Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
A: They don’t have time.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
A: 45 lbs.

Q: What is a vagina?
A: The box a penis comes in.

Q: How is a woman like a road?
A: Both have manholes.

Q: How do you know when it's time to get a new dishwasher?
A: When the old one expects you to "do your share"

Q: Why did God make women?
A: You think he's gonna wash the dishes?

Q: What's the difference between Jelly and Jam?
A: You can't jelly a dick down a woman's throat

Q: What do you call a woman with an opinion?
A: Wrong.

Q: How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A: Marry It!

Q: Why shouldn't you lie to a woman with PMS & GPS?
A: Because she's a bitch & she will find you.

Q: Why do women fake orgasms ?
A: Because they think men care.

Q: What are the three quickest ways of spreading a rumour (or gossip).
A: The internet, Telephone, Tell a woman

Q: What can a lifesaver do for a woman a man can’t?
A: Cum in five different flavours.

---------- Post added at 11:12 AM ---------- Previous post was at 11:07 AM ----------

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None, it should be opened when she brings it to you.

Q: A man runs over his wife. Whose fault is it?
A: The man, he shouldn't be driving in the kitchen.

Q: Why does a man like to see two women kiss each other?
A: Two less mouths that are bitching.

Q: Why can't women drive?
A: Because there's no road between the kitchen and the bedroom

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.

Q: Why do women wear underwear?
A: Because workplace health and safety staes 'all manholes must be covered when not in use'!

Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

Q: Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
A: She knows she’s given her last blow job.

Q: How do you know when a woman is going to say something intelligent?
A: When her first words are, "A man once told me....."

Q: How do you fix a woman's watch?
A: You don't, there's a clock on the oven.

Q: Why hasn't a female been to the moon ?
A: Because it doesn't need cleaning yet!

Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A: So they can stand closer to the sink.

Q: What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig?
A: A woman that won't do what she's told.

Q: Why do women wear white on their wedding day?
A: So they will match the stove and fridge!

Q: What’s the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A: A whore fucks everybody at the party, and a bitch fucks everybody at the party EXCEPT YOU.

Q: What’s the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

Q: Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
A: They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.

Q: Do you know why women fake orgasm?
A: Because men fake foreplay.

Q: What’s the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?
A: When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!

Q: How is a woman like an airplane?
A: Both have cockpits.

Q: What’s the difference between a woman and a fridge?
A: A fridge doesn’t fart when you pull your meat out.

Q: Why can’t women read maps?
A: Only the male mind can comprehend the concept of one inch equaling a mile.

Q: Why are women like condoms?
A: They spend 99% of their time in your wallet, and the other 1% on your dick.

Q: Why did God make man first?
A: He didn't want a woman looking over his shoulder.

Q: Why do women have such small feet?
A: So they can stand closer to the oven.

Q: How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
A: They are fun to ride but you don’t want your friends to find out.

Q: Why are there no female astronauts on the moon?
A: Because it doesn't need cleaning yet.

Q: Why did God give women orgasms?
A: So they've got something else to moan about!

Q: Which is the odd one out: a woman, a microwave or a fridge?
A: The microwave, the other two leak when they’re fucked.

Q: What's the difference between a woman and a coffin?
A: You come in one and go in the other.

Q: Whats the difference between PMS and Mad Cow Disease?
A: One attacks the cow's brain and sends it fucking mental, the other is an agricultural problem.

Q: How do you know that beer contains female hormones?
A: Drink two or three, and you cannot drive properly anymore and start talking bullshit.

Q: What do toy railways and boobs have in common?
A: Both are made for children but it's the fathers who play with them most.

Q: Why can't you trust a woman?
A: How can you trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn't die?

Q: Why do most men die before their wives?
A: They want to!

Q: What food diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%?
A: Wedding Cake!

Q: How are women and rocks alike?
A: You skip the flat ones!

Q: Why do women stop bleeding when entering menopause?
A: Because they need all the blood for their varicose veins.

Q: What is the difference between a cheap hooker and an elephant?
A: One rolls on its back for peanuts and the other one lives in a zoo.

Q: What s worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A: A woman who won't do as she's told.
Q: Why don't women wear watches?
A: There's a clock on the stove.
Q: How to you make a dish washer into a snow blower?
A: Give the bitch a shovel
Q: What is the difference between a Woman and a washing machine?
A: The washing machine doesn't follow you around for two weeks after you dump a load in it!
Q: How can you tell when a women is having a bad day?
A: She has her tampon behind her ear, and she can't find her cigarette.

Q: Why are wives like condoms?
A: They both spend too much time in your wallet, and not enough time on the end of your dick.

Q: Why do men die before their wives?
A: They want to.

Q: How many men does it take to fix a vacuum cleaner?
A: Why the hell should we fix it? We don't use the damn thing.

Q: Why do women love orgasms?
A: Because it gives them another reason to moan!

Q: What is a wife?
A: An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.

Q: How are women like parking spaces?
A: The good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.

Q: Why do women have tits?
A: So men will talk to them.
Q: What's the first thing a woman does after coming out of the abuse shelter?
A: Cook dinner if she knows what's good for her. Q: What's the difference between a Woman with PMS and a Pit Bull?
A: Lipstick

 

[cwayaustx]

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None, it should be opened when she brings it to you.

Q: A man runs over his wife. Whose fault is it?
A: The man, he shouldn't be driving in the kitchen.

Q: Why does a man like to see two women kiss each other?
A: Two less mouths that are bitching.

Q: Why can't women drive?
A: Because there's no road between the kitchen and the bedroom

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.

Q: Why do women wear underwear?
A: Because workplace health and safety staes 'all manholes must be covered when not in use'!

Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

Q: Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
A: She knows she’s given her last blow job.

Q: How do you know when a woman is going to say something intelligent?
A: When her first words are, "A man once told me....."

Q: How do you fix a woman's watch?
A: You don't, there's a clock on the oven.

Q: Why hasn't a female been to the moon ?
A: Because it doesn't need cleaning yet!

Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A: So they can stand closer to the sink.

Q: What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig?
A: A woman that won't do what she's told.

Q: Why do women wear white on their wedding day?
A: So they will match the stove and fridge!

Q: What’s the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A: A whore fucks everybody at the party, and a bitch fucks everybody at the party EXCEPT YOU.

Q: What’s the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

Q: Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
A: They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.

Q: Do you know why women fake orgasm?
A: Because men fake foreplay.

Q: What’s the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?
A: When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!

Q: How is a woman like an airplane?
A: Both have cockpits.

Q: What’s the difference between a woman and a fridge?
A: A fridge doesn’t fart when you pull your meat out.

Q: Why can’t women read maps?
A: Only the male mind can comprehend the concept of one inch equaling a mile.

Q: Why are women like condoms?
A: They spend 99% of their time in your wallet, and the other 1% on your dick.

Q: Why did God make man first?
A: He didn't want a woman looking over his shoulder.

Q: Why do women have such small feet?
A: So they can stand closer to the oven.

Q: How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
A: They are fun to ride but you don’t want your friends to find out.

Q: Why are there no female astronauts on the moon?
A: Because it doesn't need cleaning yet.

Q: Why did God give women orgasms?
A: So they've got something else to moan about!

Q: Which is the odd one out: a woman, a microwave or a fridge?
A: The microwave, the other two leak when they’re fucked.

Q: What's the difference between a woman and a coffin?
A: You come in one and go in the other.

Q: Whats the difference between PMS and Mad Cow Disease?
A: One attacks the cow's brain and sends it fucking mental, the other is an agricultural problem.

Q: How do you know that beer contains female hormones?
A: Drink two or three, and you cannot drive properly anymore and start talking bullshit.

Q: What do toy railways and boobs have in common?
A: Both are made for children but it's the fathers who play with them most.

Q: Why can't you trust a woman?
A: How can you trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn't die?

Q: Why do most men die before their wives?
A: They want to!

Q: What food diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%?
A: Wedding Cake!

Q: How are women and rocks alike?
A: You skip the flat ones!

Q: Why do women stop bleeding when entering menopause?
A: Because they need all the blood for their varicose veins.

Q: What is the difference between a cheap hooker and an elephant?
A: One rolls on its back for peanuts and the other one lives in a zoo.

Q: What s worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A: A woman who won't do as she's told.
Q: Why don't women wear watches?
A: There's a clock on the stove.
Q: How to you make a dish washer into a snow blower?
A: Give the bitch a shovel
Q: What is the difference between a Woman and a washing machine?
A: The washing machine doesn't follow you around for two weeks after you dump a load in it!
Q: How can you tell when a women is having a bad day?
A: She has her tampon behind her ear, and she can't find her cigarette.

Q: Why are wives like condoms?
A: They both spend too much time in your wallet, and not enough time on the end of your dick.

Q: Why do men die before their wives?
A: They want to.

Q: How many men does it take to fix a vacuum cleaner?
A: Why the hell should we fix it? We don't use the damn thing.

Q: Why do women love orgasms?
A: Because it gives them another reason to moan!

Q: What is a wife?
A: An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.

Q: How are women like parking spaces?
A: The good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.

Q: Why do women have tits?
A: So men will talk to them.
Q: What's the first thing a woman does after coming out of the abuse shelter?
A: Cook dinner if she knows what's good for her. Q: What's the difference between a Woman with PMS and a Pit Bull?
A: Lipstick

 

[Tiger12490]

^ahahahahahaha...my wife found them less amusing lol

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I317 using Tapatalk 2

 

[voidecho]

Nice, I've got a good reference file now. Couple real good ones in there.

 

[voidecho]

Not dirty, but one of the best jokes I've heard in a long time....

The Husband Store:
A store that sells new husbands has opened in Toronto, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, however you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs...
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Like Children...
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Good Jobs, Love Children, and are Extremely Good Looking...
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Very Good Jobs, Love Children, are Extremely Good Looking and Help With Most Housework...
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Exceptional Jobs that pay them very well, they Love Children, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with all the Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak, and they are 100% Faithful.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 18,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Please Exit to the right to make room for more unreasonable shoppers.

PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. Similar instructions are posted at the entrance of this store as well.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have their own money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited...

 

[NeSaxena]

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill but warns her that it is still experimental and tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner. That night at dinner, she does so.
About a week later, she's back at the doctor. She says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes, and he jumps up, rakes all the food and dishes on the floor, grabs me, rips all my clothes off, and ravages me right there on the table!"
The doctor says, "I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."
"Naah," she says, "that's okay. We aren't going back to that restaurant anyway."

 

[NeSaxena]

A woman walks into her sex therapist's office and tells her that her husband is not a very good lover, and they never have sex anymore, and asks what to do about it. The therapist tells her that she has an experimental drug that might do the trick. She tells the woman to give her husband one pill that night and come back in the morning and tell her what happened.


The next day, the woman comes in ecstatic! She tells the therapist that the pill worked and she and her husband had the best sex ever! She asks her therapist what would happen if she gave her husband two pills. The therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it.


The next day, the same thing happens, the woman comes in telling the therapist that the sex was even better than the night before and what would happen if she gave him five pills. The therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it.


The next day, the woman comes in limp but happy, and tells the therapist that the sex just keeps getting better and what would happen if she gave her husband the rest of the bottle. The therapist says she doesn't know; it's an experimental drug and she doesn't know what a full bottle could do to a person.


Anyway, the woman leaves the therapist's office and put the rest of the bottle of pills in the husband's morning coffee.

She doesn't show up the next day. Or the next. Or the next week.


A month later, a boy walks into the therapist's office with an empty bottle and says: "Are you the dumb fuck who gave my mother a bottle of experimental pills?"

"Why, yes, young man, I did. Why?"

The little boy slugs her hard and says, "Because of you, my mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my ass is hurting, and dad's sittin' naked in the balcony going 'Here, kitty, kitty, kitty...'"

 

[Kujo]

A woman buys a parrot from the pet store. They warned her that the Parrot had lived in a brothel and picked up some naughty language, but she didn' think it would be too bad so she took the Parrot home. She gets the Parrot home and the Parrot says "Madam's home, Madam's home". The woman thinks, oh thats not so bad. Then her two daughters come home and the Parrot says "Hi Whores, hi whores". The woman is now thinking maybe this was a bad idea. Then her husband comes home and the Parrot says "Hey George."

 

[mx5055]

A woman buys a parrot from the pet store. They warned her that the Parrot had lived in a brothel and picked up some naughty language, but she didn' think it would be too bad so she took the Parrot home. She gets the Parrot home and the Parrot says "Madam's home, Madam's home". The woman thinks, oh thats not so bad. Then her two daughters come home and the Parrot says "Hi Whores, hi whores". The woman is now thinking maybe this was a bad idea. Then her husband comes home and the Parrot says "Hey George."

Thanks Kujo...I needed that :lolbangtable:

 

[Kujo]

A mans wife was in a terrible car accident, when he gets to the hospital the doctor pulls him aside to give in the diagnosis. He tells him that his wife was severely injured, most of her bones have been broken and she will need assisted living for the rest of her life. He goes on to explain how he will have to care for his wife from now on, diaper changes, feeding from a tube, a list of medicine she will need for the rest of her life, etc. As he goes on the Husband becomes more and more upset and overwhelmed, at one point he just says "Stop, I can't hear any more!" The doctor pauses then says "Just kidding, your wife was killed in the accident. But doesn't that sound better than everything else I just said?"

 

[Kujo]

Too far? *inoccent face* Funny thing is I learned these jokes from my mom lol.

 

[northernmastiff]

"Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea," a patient told his urologist on the phone. "The only woman he's screwed is our maid."

"Ok, don't be hard on him. He's just a kid," the medic soothed. "Get him in here right away and I'll take care of him."

"But, Doc. I've been screwing the maid too and I've got the same symptoms he has."

"Then you come in with him and I'll fix you both up." Replied the doctor. "Well," the man admitted, " I think my wife
now has it too."

"Son of a bitch!" the physician roared. "That means we've all got it!"

 

[northernmastiff]

A woman with really hairy underarms boards a crowded bus. Unable to find a seat, she settles for hanging onto one of the poles. A drunk man next to her stares at her for three minutes, then tells her, "I love a woman that does aerobics." The woman replies angrily, "I don't DO aerobics!" The drunk man then looks at the woman and says, "Then how did you get your leg up so high?"

 

[mx5055]

Too far? *inoccent face* Funny thing is I learned these jokes from my mom lol.

lol sure wish my mom had a sense of humor like that

 

[mx5055]

Great jokes Northern...Maybe I'll just hang on this tread....lots of the other threads tense today

 

[Kujo]

lol sure wish my mom had a sense of humor like that

sometimes it's disturbing...like this one:

Q: What's the last thing two pubes here before they hit the toilet seat?
A: *Spew Spew*

 

[northernmastiff]

lol sure wish my mom had a sense of humor like that

My mom has a similar sense of humor. She is very open. While she was going through a lawsuit with a casino (she broke her pelvic bone on a broken chair they knew about...long story), my husband and I were having dinner with her, a few of her friends and her husband. She started talking about how the lawyer told her they could also sue on behalf of her husband for lack of intercourse during the healing process. My mom laughed and said, "Honey, my pelvis was banged up...I didn't have lock jaw."

My husband went beet red, I just ignored it as this was a normal part of growing up for me but yeah, way to impress your inlaws and boyfriends. We were only dating at the time of this story.

On a side note, the lawyer decided not to sue for loss of intercourse or whatever they call it.

 

[voidecho]

Ha!